


Empty Desires

by SubtextEquals



Category: Spartacus Series (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-10
Updated: 2015-03-10
Packaged: 2018-03-17 05:04:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,285
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3516365
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SubtextEquals/pseuds/SubtextEquals
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After Agron's death and their escape from the Romans, Nasir is torn with loss. Castus tries to guide him but it's a difficult task, knowing that Nasir's heart will never be the same. And it will never belong to him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Empty Desires

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to gedre-yashel for being my beta.

There were few enough survivors from the battle, at least those whose feet carried them to this path. Castus, Nasir, and two others. They had been too late to save Spartacus and unable to stop Agron from being struck down.

Standing by Spartacus’s grave, Nasir’s expression was dazed, eyes unfocused on anything, casting his gaze first on the stones piled atop Spartacus’s body. Then his gaze moved past it to the path leading back to the battle, long finished.

Lightly, Castus pressed his fingers and not the whole of his hand to Nasir’s arm. “Nasir,” he said softly. “Come. They would not have you fall beside them.”

Nasir looked back at Spartacus’s resting place but Castus knew it was not Spartacus whom his thoughts concerned. Without a word, Nasir turned and walked past Castus, following the others in silence and with his eyes downcast.

Castus fell into step beside him, glancing at him every now and then but Nasir never raised his head. His own efforts had led Agron on this path, Castus knew. As he knew that Nasir never expected to leave the battle. None of them had, no matter how they hoped. Whatever of that hope Nasir used to possess had fled when he held Agron in his arms as the life left his body.

Castus feared the fire of his spirit would never be rekindled.

 

As before when he had learned of Agron’s death, Nasir showed no interest in food. However, drained from the battle, he gave into his hunger and ate sparingly-- barely a loaf of bread washed down with water before turning aside.

When they set up their tents for the night Castus was the one to point out what might have escaped his friend’s notice.

“All tents have been claimed. I hold one yet was unable to find another.”

Nasir remained silent, staring back in the direction they had come.

“If you would share with me…” Castus continued.

“Gratitude.” Nasir’s voice was distant and held neither protests nor hesitation.

Castus spent that night lying in a tent too small for them both, with his back pressed against Nasir’s. He felt each time Nasir shook and heard each time he choked back a sob.

 

Castus attempted to break words with Nasir but, while he was not cold, neither was he responsive. He would speak in return in a hollow voice. The long march, first across the mountain, then past it into safety, was marked by long silences in which they could not hear even the chattering of the other survivors. All were marked by loss.

They came to a stop, the younger and weaker of the former slaves needing rest, and Nasir moved to the back. He stood still, a strong figure in spite of his lithe form, and one that Castus would normally appreciate were he not moved by concern.

“You stand guard for Romans,” he said once he was standing beside him.

“I would not have those Spartacus gave his life to protect meet their ends at Roman sword.”

There was more spirit in Nasir’s words but, Castus noted, he had avoided mentioning Agron, who had been held far closer to Nasir’s heart than Spartacus had.

Castus turned fully toward Nasir. “Is it the grasp of Rome that holds your attentions or do other thoughts that plague you?”

Nasir did not look at him.

“You live.” Castus continued. “Your heart bleeds that they do not, as mine bleeds to you as such. Theirs would too if they could behold you.”

“He never will,” Nasir said quietly. “I do not desire to break words.”

Castus followed Nasir’s gaze and spoke no more.

 

Their numbers grew smaller as people broke away, in pairs or small groups, to seek their own fates. Laeta and Sibyl said they would remain by their side. Both held strong affection for Nasir and both seemed at a loss as for what to do. Castus had seen both break words with Nasir but their attempts were as successful as his own. Yet words were needed, whether Nasir wished to break them or not.

“Nasir.”

Nasir glanced at Castus as they sat together by a fire, nearby for warmth but with enough distance between them that it did little good.

“All the world save Rome is open to us. Name where you wish to go and we will travel there.”

“Why do you ask me?” Nasir spoke slowly.

“I wish to know your desires,” Castus replied.

“I have none.”

“Do you not wish to see your homeland?”

“I was once asked the same.” Nasir shook his head slightly. “I have not called Syria my home within memory. I can recall nothing of its land or people.”

“You may remember what you have forgotten.”

Nasir looked away from Castus and instead stared into the fire. “I have no desire,” he said before standing. “For anything.”

He walked toward their tent and disappeared inside of it.

 

As they continued along their path, it was not Romans that set upon them.

They had stayed off the road during their journey, for fear of an encounter that could end with them being sent back to Rome. But the uneven terrain had forced them back onto it. Nasir and Castus were in the lead with the other survivors of their battle in the back.

Unfortunately, they had been set upon from the side.

As soon as they heard the cries Nasir broke for the left, raising his spear and throwing himself at the bandits, not recklessly but surely, as he had fought the Roman soldier during the rebels’ own games. It didn’t matter that he was outnumbered until the others could join him.

“Nasir!” Castus was nearly there when he heard movement coming from the front as yet more of the bandits tried to take advantage of the confusion.

“More ahead!” Castus shouted as he doubled back.

There was still worry for Nasir but he had to focus on his opponents-- five of them, quickly swarming him and he would have fallen had the others not caught up with him. As soon as he had finished impaling the last soldier he turned.

“Nasir!” He shouted again.

Castus found him standing in the middle of seven bodies. He had not been the only one to fight but the others were gone to see to those Castus heard crying in pain.

Just as Castus stepped behind Nasir he saw one of the bandits reach feebly for his sword, a few feet away. Nasir stepped forward and thrust his spear through the man’s throat, hissing sharply as the bandit choked.

Before the man died, Nasir grabbed his sword and severed his head as well. He turned to Castus, covered in blood, and the first expression of true emotion hardened his face. It was not hurt but rage, one far worse than what he’d displayed when he’d lashed out at Castus when they falsely believed Agron dead.

Castus wondered if this was an improvement. Or was it all he could feel?

 

They could not build a pyre for the three that had fallen but lay branches over their bodies and burned them before setting on their way again.

They set up camp for the night. Castus handed over the rabbit they had caught earlier that day. Nasir immediately set to work skinning it while Castus prepared the fire. He recalled a similar scene what felt a lifetime ago.

“I have yet to hear your voice this day,” he said softly.

Nasir’s hand stilled. “Do you miss it so?”

“I do,” Castus replied as the first spark of flames shot up into the air. “As I miss the smile I once saw so often upon your lips.”

“I have had no cause to smile.” Nasir continued to skin the rabbit but with more force behind his movements.

“You are a free man. Each step carries you farther from Rome.”

“Freedom paid for with Agron’s blood and Spartacus’s, Naevia’s, Lugo’s, Gannicus’s...” Nasir flipped the rabbit on the other side and pressed the knife to its skin.

“Nasir--”

“They are gone, as I was meant to--” His breath caught and he let out a sharp exclamation as he pulled back his hand, blood spilling from his finger.

“Hand me your knife and I will--”

Nasir looked up only to glare at Castus. He sucked the blood from his thumb before turning back to his task.

“Your aid is not needed.”

“If it is, would you accept?” Castus asked gently.

Nasir made no response.

 

It took not days but weeks until Nasir’s spirit lifted-- so slowly as to be barely measurable but Castus saw it in the way his glances both toward him and the others around them became more frequent. He noted the twitch of his lips after a joke. And one night when they heard Sibyl crying instead of staying to himself as he had in the past, Nasir went to her.

That night, as they lay beside one another, Nasir stirred. Castus felt a hand on his arm.

“Castus.” Nasir’s voice was low. “Gratitude.”

“It is unneeded,” Castus’s voice was hazy from how close he had come to sleep but he did not complain about the interruption. “But welcome.”

Castus waited to hear more but Nasir did not gift him with more words. He turned again, pressing his back against Castus due to the confines of the tent. Castus would have enjoyed that, the warmth of him, the closeness he had wished for for so long. Yet there was little but emptiness in Nasir, even now.

He clung to the hope that this was a new start for him and that his heart would mend in time.

 

“Where do we go?” Nasir asked the next morning as they pulled the stakes that grounded the tent.

Castus did not hesitate before replying. “We have choice between Gallia and the lands east of the Rhine.”

Nasir froze but his response was not what Castus expected. “Gallia? We cannot go there. Agron would…”

Castus watched as Nasir went back to dismantling the tent with his head bowed.

“The others’ decision holds no meaning for us. We will settle far from Gallia.”

Nasir said nothing.

“Wherever you desire.” Castus expected that his words had not found their way to Nasir’s ears. He was mistaken.

If he had not finished pulling the tent down and come near Nasir he never would have heard him. But he had and so the quiet whisper came to his ears.

“I desired only to be by his side.”

 

They crossed into Raeti lands. After some time spent searching for a trader who spoke Latin, they purchased food and supplies with the gold ransacked from the bandits’ bodies. Laeta spoke of staying but Nasir said it was far too close to Rome and Castus agreed. Winter was almost upon them when they finally reached Germania. The nights were cold and Nasir pressed closer to Castus until all of their backs were together and legs nearly intertwined. But there was nothing more than that. In the morning, Nasir rose first without any comment of how they spent their nights. It was born of nothing more than necessity.

Moving beyond the Raeti, Castus hadn’t expected that the sounds of German on tongues would lift Nasir’s spirits. It dampened them. Nasir grew quieter and Castus found himself wishing they had either made for Gallia instead or else stayed with the Raetians.

Their group searched for a place to weather the winter. Then they walked into a pack of German warriors, outnumbering them, with their swords raised.

Nasir said something to them and received a laugh in return along with harsh words. Castus, who was still learning the language, could not understand them. What he did understand was Nasir raising his spear and snarling a response.

The man who had spoken to him laughed again and then he lowered his sword. He gestured back.

“Stay on your guard,” Nasir said to Castus as he lowered his spear. “They claim they will give us aid yet I do not hold trust in their promise.”

“What words did you break?” Castus asked.

“I told them we were not here to fight, only to find shelter for winter. They accused us of being bandits who had captured the women.”

“What did you say to change mind?”

“I told them if they desired a fight I would fuck their asses with my spear.”

Castus smiled. “A fine way to make friends, Nasir.”

“I know their kind,” Nasir spoke distantly.

Nasir’s defiance must have made an impression as the Germans did not make an attempt to attack them, at least not after one tried to grab Sibyl and Nasir had broken his jaw with a hard snap of his spear. For a moment, it seemed to Castus that had been the wrong move and they would all meet their ends but instead it earned them respect.

The Germans lead them to their settlement and granted them shelter. They did not have much. A cramped home that barely had a roof over them, but it was enough. Nasir and Castus shared the room that stood as an entrance while Laeta, Sibyl, and the others that had stayed with them remained in the back room, which also doubled as a kitchen.

“I prefer the taste of wine to wash down meal,” Castus said as they settled into their pallets.

“This tribe does not permit such,” Nasir answered.

“Then when spring arrives we should find one that does.” Castus smiled.

Nasir looked at him, empty as ever. He pulled the blanket up over his body as he lay down.

Castus watched him. “You regret coming.”

“My opinion holds no importance for I have none.”

Castus sat and stretched out his legs over his pallet but did not lie down. “How long will you let grief cloud mind?”

Nasir rolled over to look at him. “You would have me forget?”

“No.” Castus tried to keep his voice gentle but even he was running out of patience, unsure if that was what Nasir truly needed. As he continued, he grew firmer. “I would have you live, not linger between life and death as you have.”

“Do not ask me to choose between the two, Castus. You will not care for choice.” Nasir turned his back on him again.

“Agron would not have you--”

Nasir sat up suddenly. “Agron is gone!” A shudder rippled through his body as he contained his anger and when he next spoke his voice was quieter. “I will break no more words.”

The next day, Castus woke to find Nasir gone. He went back to the other room to see if he was there but found only Sibyl.

She spoke before he could voice his question. “He left early to hunt.” Sibyl’s voice was, as ever, soft. “I heard argument last night.”

“You have heard one of many.”

“Do not press him. I know the depth of his wound. It will not easily heal.” She glanced away from Castus. “I do not know if time will mend it.”

Castus glanced back where he’d come from. “Apologies, I must find him.” Nasir’s words still echoed in his ears and he no longer trusted him alone.

“Leave him. He will return when he is ready.”

Ceding to Sibyl’s advice, Castus waited. When Nasir did return he carried a deer over his shoulders. He also did not say anything, not to Castus, but when Sibyl pulled him aside, he heard hushed voices as they walked off.

 

Nasir’s spirit slowly returned over the winter they spent there but he remained reticent, speaking only when needed or when Castus could draw him out. Even those times were brief. When the tribe moved for their next settlement, come spring, their small band of survivors moved on as well, deeper into the lands, following those they had come to call friend.

It was on their journey that they encountered traders and Castus found something much needed to raise morale.

Castus caught Nasir as he was about to leave, for where he didn’t know. Dusk was nearly on them. “Nasir, I would share with you.”

Nasir looked back.

“Share what?”

Castus raised his jug of wine and a cup as well.

“That is forbidden.” But his voice held no note of disapproval.

“Will you break words that will send me from your side?” Castus grinned as he poured wine into the cup.

Nasir hesitated then walked to him. “We stand absent choice then. Let us drain jug quickly.”

Castus handed the cup to him and reached for another.

Though he had paused before, Nasir quickly finished his cup and held out his hand for another.

Castus laughed. “You will stumble into me again if wine passes lips so fast.” He knew it was a mistake immediately after speaking it. Their first meeting had resulted in a confrontation by Agron. The memory in both of them would not so easily fade.

Nasir held out his hand for the jug and Castus relinquished it. Nasir poured more wine from it and drank quickly while Castus finished the rest of his. After three more cups, Nasir’s eyes were unfocused and he swayed. Castus placed his hand on Nasir’s shoulders and guided him down to the floor.

Castus hadn’t seen the light in his blurring eyes for some time. And, as he jested, Nasir cracked his lips into a smile. Once, he even laughed. It was not for the first time since Agron died, but despite the drink it was just the same as the others. Faint and, while the amusement was there, the mirth was not. But when Nasir looked at him after, Castus recognized it from before. He’d seen those eyes stealing over him as Nasir pondered what he could do to Castus. There was something more to it now.

“I’ve had my fill of wine,” Nasir said, coming to his senses far too late.

“Hand over cup and I will see it is not wasted.” Castus smiled.

In spite of his words, Nasir took one last drink from his cup before handing it over to Castus. Their fingers brushed during the exchange. And Castus longed to run his up past the back of Nasir’s hand to his arms and pull him closer. But he withdrew after and simply watched as Nasir changed his mind drank from the jug perhaps more than he should.

Finally, once Nasir was halfway through and Castus had drunk another cup, he took the jug away from him.

“Let more pass lips and I fear you shall see it leave stomach presently.”

Nasir laughed, this time lighter, and pushed the cup into Castus’s hands. But in the next moment he knocked it out of his hands as he leaned forward. He moved his hand to the nape of Castus’s neck, pulling him close. It was then that he kissed him. Castus could still taste the wine on Nasir’s lips, lingering on his tongue. He trailed his hand down Nasir’s neck until his fingers met fabric and he slowly slid his hands under it. He stopped himself there as reason caught up to him, even through the wine he’d partaken. With regret, he pulled away. If Nasir were anyone else, it wouldn’t matter.

But it was Nasir. He had been different to Castus for some time.

“Drink has filled you. You will regret union of bodies if you press for more.”

Nasir’s cloudy eyes spoke to the fact that he could barely hold onto consciousness so Castus sighed and pushed him down onto his side. Absently, he let his fingers stroke through Nasir’s hair once.

Castus almost laughed at the absurdity of it and how drastically his life had changed. From pirate to wanderer. From one who cared only for money and how to spend it on whores to waiting for a man who would never love him. Fighting would do him no favors. Nasir had loved Agron in a way Castus only hoped to understand.

 

In the morning, Castus had a headache. He squeezed his eyes shut instead of opening them. He heard Nasir moan beside him.

“Do not ply with wine again,” Nasir groaned.

“I did not ply.” Castus tried sitting up and felt the wine rise from his stomach. He clamped his hand over his mouth to swallow it down again.

Nasir’s laugh was bitter. He rolled onto his back and glared at Castus. “Didn’t you?”

“I stopped you before mistake was made.”

“A thought not brought to mind had it been anchored properly and without drink.” Nasir pushed himself up and swayed. Then he vomited.

Castus sighed. No matter how Nasir’s spirits had risen last night, he held nothing but regret and anger this morning. 

“Nasir--” he started but Nasir silenced him with a dark look.

“Need for air drives me outside, as does need for clear thoughts drive me from you.” Nasir stepped toward the door and left him behind, without a care to cleaning up his mess.

Not that Castus could blame him.

 

Nasir barely spoke to him for a month. They shared the same room but there was more distance between them, physical and otherwise.

“Nasir,” Casus said one night, tired of letting this continue. “You have my apologies yet you mistake my intent. I wished only to see laughter grace face once more.”

Nasir glared at him. “You have always sought me. If you had not, Agron--” He swallowed and bowed his head for a moment.

“We have broken words on this. Agron’s choice was his own. None hold fault but the gods.”

Nasir wavered, his lip trembling.

“Nasir…” Castus moved to sit by him and for once Nasir did not move away nor push him aside.

He sucked his lip inside his mouth and when he released it it was still and firm. He no longer shook when he turned to Castus. “Agron will always hold my heart.”

“I do not seek to claim it, only to provide what comfort I may.”

“You have broken these words before.”

“Words hold difference of meaning. You may never love another yet I will still stand at your side if you but let me.”

Nasir stared ahead. No response came from him. “You will never have my heart, Castus.”

Despite holding knowledge of it before, the words still made Castus’s heart sink. “I know.”

“Do you not care?”

“It is fact I cannot change.” He would never know what Agron and Nasir used to have, no matter how he longed for it, no matter how much he wished to feel a love that would consume all. And yet… “I still will not stray from you.”

“You have changed, in thoughts and deeds.”

He smiled even if Nasir couldn’t see it. “You and Spartacus hold blame.”

Nasir’s jaw tightened at the mention of Spartacus.

“Apologies,” Castus said after a moment.

Nasir took a heavy breath. “I would seek sleep now.” He still did not look at Castus.

Respecting his wishes, Castus stood and walked to the other side of the small room. He waited to hear stifled sobs that never came.

 

As winter came again, Castus had moved on, at least physically, while Nasir never had. Castus expected no different. While he spent some of his nights in the arms of the men he’d come to know, speaking broken German that made them both laugh, Nasir remained at home. When Castus stumbled back closer to morning, he’d shake his head but give him a faint smile.

“Well satisfied?” he asked.

“Desire is sated,” Castus answered as he slipped beneath the threadbare blanket and onto his pallet.

The days when they slept opposite one another had passed, especially given the cold. They now lay back to back as they had during their journey here.

Nasir, who had been lying on his back, rolled over onto his side. Castus glanced over his shoulder at him.

“Have you considered it?”

“Fucking?” Nasir’s words were plainly stated.

“Yes.”

“Is this proposition?”

“No,” Castus said hurriedly. “Simply have you give thought to it?”

“I do not desire any other.”

“Yet thoughts have never entered mind?” Castus asked.

Nasir paused. All that Castus could hear and feel were his steady breaths. “You know answer.”

Thinking back to that one drunken night spent with each other, Castus realized that he did. He also knew that he had not been and never would be enough. He thought he had moved past his feelings but the sting in his heart told him otherwise.

 

The next night he didn’t seek any company save Nasir’s. He didn’t have much choice in the matter as the snow covered the ground outside, nearly trapping them. But even if it hadn’t, he found he’d preferred waking up beside Nasir as he used to, now that he was no longer as hollow as he had been those nights in the tent.

There was no conversation as they lay in bed beside each other. Nothing to indicate that when Castus awoke, he’d find Nasir’s arm around his waist and their bodies pressed close. While he did not complain, after last night he knew there was a different reason for this than the one he hoped.

“Nasir?”

Nasir moaned faintly. He nuzzled the back of Castus’s neck.

Fuck the gods.

“Nasir,” Castus repeated louder.

Nasir made another soft sound before freezing. The muscles in his arm tightened and then he pushed himself away from Castus. Scrambling back, Castus turned to find that he was now seated, staring at him with a look of shock and guilt.

“Apologies.” He pushed his side of the blanket away and toward Castus. “Chill of night must have had me seek warmth.”

Given Nasir’s reaction before waking, Castus doubted it was only that. But he would be a fool to think that Nasir believed it was him that his body had wrapped around.

“Do you speak truth to me or yourself?” he asked, feeling the frustration build. It was not Nasir’s fault. He mourned Agron in what way he could. He missed him and, no matter what he’d said the other night, he wanted someone to comfort him at night. Even though he spurned it during the day.

It was something Castus could give him. It was something Nasir would hate him for if he did.

“Castus,” Nasir began.

“Save words. I know meaning in advance of them passing lips.” Castus pushed the blanket away and grabbed the battered cloak that lay next to him.

 

Castus tried to seek warmth with others, yet his thoughts turned to Nasir sleeping in the cold and after fucking them, he always returned. Usually nothing happened. Sometimes he’d wake up with Nasir curled around him. Sometimes Castus would be the one to envelop Nasir in his arms. At first he would roll away when that happened. Then one day Nasir grabbed his arm to pull him close again.

“Chill yet seeps through walls,” he said, only half awake judging by his soft and unclear tone and the heavy sigh that followed.

Castus knew this wasn’t fair to him. Yet he had seldom been fair to Nasir, pursuing them until he’d seen Agron and Nasir part. He’d finally realized what they meant to each other. How could he come between that? Even in death, that seemed an impossibility.

So he held him anyway, both because of and in spite of his feelings.

They kept up the pretense until the early days of spring passed. He waited for Nasir to send him away. It never happened. All that stopped was Castus’s visits to others, tapering off until mid summer, when they shared a tent together as they followed the tribe to the other lands they laid claim on. There were no more after that, no more sneaking back in the middle of the night to press his body against Nasir’s. He found it sickeningly more enjoyable than burying himself in any other. He was drawn to Nasir, who had unknowingly locked him in a hold that Castus could not break.

Sibyl noticed, giving him sympathetic glances. Laeta gave him words of warning. He ignored both of them.

“He is yet mourning loss, not only of Agron," Laeta said.

“Did you not recover from death of your husband?” Castus asked in response, striking deep and hard, tired of the words everyone broke on the subject. Even though he knew they were true.

Yet his words did not pierce her. “Truth was revealed of his true character. Discovery of lie was harder to recover from than loss. You know this of difference. He is not yet ready.”

Castus wondered if he ever would be. On those days, at times, he missed the rocking of a boat beneath his feet and the rush of knowing the terror in others he instilled. He wanted wine in his cup in place of water. He missed when it was as simple and satisfying as having some unknown whore to fuck. It was not so easy here.

Summer gave way to fall before Nasir commented on the change.

“Each night I used to expect you to fall to bed late,” he said as he pulled off his tunic. The cold had not yet touched them.

Castus had grown tired of hiding the way his eyes constantly passed over Nasir’s body. At times Nasir would pause and Castus, instead of looking away, would smile and lay back onto their bed.

“Desire for others has faded,” he replied. Now he moved his eyes up to meet Nasir’s and didn’t tear them away.

“Others?” Nasir latched onto that one word in the statement, as Castus had known he would.

“You know answer,” Castus echoed the words Nasir had spoken years ago. They had somehow never left his mind. But few that Nasir had broke then had, so rare had they been.

Nasir did not speak for a while but then he said a quiet “I do.”

Castus expected no more and he received none, not even when they both retired to their bed. He did not move to get his arm around Nasir and pull him close this time. Instead he rested on his side, staring at Nasir’s hair. Some of it clung to his neck, the rest pulled down and he could see the hint of the brand on his nape, normally hidden by dark locks.

His gaze traveled down to Nasir’s neck, then his shoulders. The muscles in them rippled so Castus had advanced notice as Nasir turned. He began to roll onto his back, expecting Nasir to rest his head on Castus’s own shoulder and nothing more but Nasir placed his hand on his neck. Nasir did not stare into his eyes, he did not speak any words of love. He simply pressed their lips together in a kiss that drew no moans from either of them save the noise of their mouths as they moved, Castus tilting his head to make it easier for Nasir to deepen the kiss.

Nasir pushed his body against him for a moment. Castus’s hand went to Nasir’s hip. Nasir pulled away suddenly. He could not meet Castus’s gaze before turning his back to him. Castus slowly wrapped his arm around him and Nasir didn’t resist, nor did he respond. Castus sighed, recalling Nasir’s taste until he could almost feel it lingering on his lips. Then he closed his eyes and let sleep take him.

When he woke it was to Nasir easing out of his arms. Castus couldn’t help gripping him a little firmer, seeking to hold him against him for a while longer.

“Castus.”

“Tell truth and I will release you. Did last night hold meaning?” Castus braced himself and resisted tightening his arm around Nasir.

Nasir was quiet for some time. Castus felt his chest rise and fall with heavy breaths. Finally, he spoke. “I don’t know.”

Castus let go of him and did not ask him to stay, even when Nasir left to brave the cold. He shoved the blanket off of himself and stood.

By the gods, why did he put up with this?

Castus knew why but when he and Nasir lay down for the night, he didn’t move to bring Nasir close to him. In fact, he turned his back on him. Nasir stirred next to him.

“Apologies. I did not mean to tear heart.”

“No, you didn’t,” Castus’s voice was hollow. He turned to look at Nasir, who was on his back, his head tilted toward him.

They lay side by side with their shoulders touching and nothing more. The brush of their skin taunting Castus with yet more he could have.

“I do not understand what is left of mine,” Nasir spoke softly. But Castus could trust the sincerity in his words.

“Heart would swell if you gave it to me. But whatever comfort I can give you, whatever desire needs sated, I would see to that as well.” He reached to brush Nasir’s hair back from his face.

Nasir’s eyes widened. He planted his hand on the floor between them and, using it as leverage, jerked back.

“Apologies,” Castus said quickly but the damage was done as Nasir put even more space between them, half sitting now.

“I do not let desires overwhelm. They need not be filled.”

“As you did not seek them filled before?” Castus sat up.

“Castus, I hold regret for raising hope but--” 

Castus reached for him again, touching his neck, just as Nasir had done before to bring him close as he leaned forward. When he kissed him, Nasir did not spring back. He pressed close, clutching at Castus’s back almost painfully as nails scraped against skin. When Nasir broke the kiss, Castus moved to his neck, prompting a shiver from the body beneath him.

“I can’t give you what you need,” Nasir said.

“You can,” Castus answered, tasting the sweat on Nasir’s skin from the day’s exertions. “Yet not all I desire.”

“You may yet find it elsewhere.” If that was a protest, it was too weak to be believed and Castus swallowed the words with his mouth pressed against Nasir’s.

“I never will.”

While they kissed, Nasir moved first. He pulled at Castus’s tunic until Castus had no choice but to draw away from Nasir in order to remove it. As he went to remove Nasir’s, hands ran over his body, Nasir guiding his fingertips along his muscles. They went far down enough to reach the tattoo on his stomach.

Castus’s own hands changed course. They moved to Nasir’s pants beneath his tunic and brought them down. He pressed their lips together again and Nasir attempted to hold him there. His fingers scrabbled along his skin as Castus pushed away from him to move down his body.

“Castus--”

Castus sucked at the flesh of Nasir’s inner thigh. He spread his legs with his hands before taking his cock in his hand, but not his mouth. Instead he pressed his lips to Nasir’s stomach.

“Castus.” Nasir’s voice was more forceful this time but far from an order to stop. Rather, it was a plea.

But when Castus had his lips around his cock, when he drew Nasir’s arousal further in, the sound of his name on Nasir’s tongue shifted into a sharp “ah” that Nasir cut off too quickly. Enough that Castus wondered if it was simply a sound of pleasure or if he’d tried to form another name, one quickly stifled.

Fuck him, Castus no longer cared. He already knew that Nasir’s thoughts wouldn’t be entirely on him. He’d gone into this knowing. And he didn’t let it stop him from taking Nasir’s cock fully into his mouth, evoking a long groan that was not cut short this time.

Castus ran his hands along Nasir’s thighs, then up to his hips, past them to his chest. His fingers circled Nasir’s nipples before squeezing. With the next cry from Nasir’s throat, he thrust into Castus’s mouth but he did not choke. He moved with him, letting Nasir bury himself, withdraw, and then thrust in again. Castus gripped Nasir’s hips to move with him but then his fingers spidered down to grasp his ass. He lifted it, and Nasir off the floor until Nasir’s back had arched and his legs slipped over Castus’s shoulders.

With each thrust, Nasir trembled harder. His gasps came closer together and the breaths between them were shallow and rapid. With each one he made a noise of pleasure though never one that included Castus’s name. When he came it was with a single drawn out cry as he thrust twice more into Castus’s mouth, each part of him shaking. And then his body fell into relaxation. The legs around Castus began to fall away and Castus brought his hands to them to ease them away and lower Nasir back down to the floor.

The sound of Nasir’s pants filled the air. Castus gripped his thighs and stared down at him, their eyes connecting. He expected to find regret but there was only lust. Nothing more.

Taking what he was given, Castus pushed himself up and kissed Nasir’s chest, leaving behind some of the cum that still lingered on his lips. Nasir took his chin in his own hand and tilted it up. Castus slid farther up his body and brought their lips together.

Nasir’s hand found Castus’s cock. “Does oil lie in your possession?” he asked.

Castus groaned. “No, it does not.”

“Of little concern,” Nasir kissed him one more time before pushing him away..

Castus pressed his mouth to Nasir’s throat, parting it and digging his teeth in before he moved away. He sucked his fingers into his mouth until he was satisfied. Then, as Nasir spread his legs, he moved his hand between them and pushed a finger inside of him. Castus had been used to men far more easily readied than Nasir was now, those who used their bodies to please or else simply indulged frequently. But he could tell now that he had to take his time. That wasn’t an issue. He hadn’t waited for this, but rather had hoped for it, for over two years. A little more time was nothing, especially when he could enjoy Nasir’s body in the meantime.

He was ready to assault Nasir’s neck with his lips and teeth but after devoting too much attention there, Nasir kept guiding him up to his own lips. However he did not stop him when Castus’s lips grazed his cheeks, then moved across his jaw line and he tilted his head to allow better access.

Nasir breathed too heavily, too erratic already and Castus sought to ground him with his mouth. He only succeeded in having Nasir gasp as soon as their lips parted. He pushed down into his finger and Castus added another. He drove them deeper inside of Nasir until the trembling that he’d felt before came again. Castus could feel the hardness of his cock press against his stomach.

“Nasir,” Castus groaned.

Nasir did not say his name in response, only pressed his lips to him before Castus drew a cry from him.

Castus pushed his upper body away from Nasir, but keeping close, if not closer still in all other respects. He stared down at Nasir, whose eyes were half closed and lips parted. His chest heaved and he cried out again though quieter when Castus thrust his fingers inside of him again. He bit his lip to stifle whatever sounds he might make. They still shared a home with Laeta and Sibyl but right now Castus’s concern couldn’t be further from them.

As he moved his fingers inside of Nasir, hitting the same spot, Nasir’s eyes snapped open. His gaze locked with Castus and neither of them broke it, even as Nasir brought his body down to bury himself deeper on Castus’s fingers. Finally, Nasir grabbed Castus’s head and pulled him into another kiss, harder than any he’d given him before, desperation in every movement.

Castus drew his fingers from Nasir and pulled away from him only to reposition himself and hold his cock to Nasir’s entrance. He’d done a good job easing Nasir open but the tightness and warmth was ever present. It had not been as long as Nasir since Castus had been with someone but it was long enough to send him gasping and breathing deep. Or else, that was not the reason, and it was only because it was Nasir that he stilled himself for a moment. He enjoyed the feeling of himself inside him, the tension it brought him, the pleasure that centered around his cock but slowly spread out. Nasir watched, waiting, until Castus moved inside of him. When his nails dug into Castus’s scalp he winced, prompting Nasir to release him.

“Apolo--”

Castus kissed him before he could finish the word. And then he thrust forward with enough force that Nasir’s body moved away from him. After guiding himself inside Nasir, he moved his hands. One went to Nasir’s hip, the other wrapped around his shoulder to both support his own weight and hold Nasir there, Castus started again. Nasir responded immediately. His hands went to Castus’s ass to move them with him, just as his hips moved to meet each thrust. Whenever Castus slackened for a moment, Nasir pushed him closer. His lips sought him out and Castus found himself covering Nasir almost entirely with his body, from their mouths to their torsos, to how they were joined together. Nasir didn’t give him the chance to bring him off again. He was too intent on this and each time Castus tried to pull one arm away, he found Nasir pressing him closer.

“Mind is either set and stubborn or need is too great,” Castus murmured against Nasir’s lips. He smiled.

“In some matters you have better chance of altering course of Apollo. Have you need?” This time Nasir let Castus’s hand between them to stroke him. His head fell back, exposing his neck and when Castus kissed it he no longer stopped him.

Nasir said no more words. He drew out his breath in hisses and let them out in stifled groans as well. Castus received no more than that as he bore into him harder, seeking more both for himself and Nasir. Nasir clutched him tighter and pressed his ass against him with a pace that had Castus struggling to keep up. Struggling, but no less enjoying as everything built in a crescendo of tension and pleasure. Nasir writhed beneath him, trying to push up into Castus’s hand while at the same time bringing him closer inside him. His movements were becoming more erratic, less concentrated, but Castus quickly took over, keeping steady but bringing himself in harder until Nasir’s teeth no longer dug into his lip.

After a single cry, one he no longer made an effort to swallow, Nasir came again. Castus stroked him one more time before he let his hand move over Nasir’s stomach, not caring about the mess he created. Nasir opened his eyes fully, reached up and held Castus’s head in his hand again, and kissed him. He kissed him until Castus moaned and came inside him, tense and harder than he had in some time, and he kept kissing him until his body relaxed-- and then after.

Castus had no wish to pull away so it was Nasir who turned from him first. Castus rolled onto his side next to him. He still had one arm around Nasir’s shoulder and brought him close again. He sought Nasir’s lips again and Nasir allowed the kiss though far more distant this time. The distance did not stop him from entwining himself with him.

Castus knew better than to say anything. He was silent, waiting for Nasir to fall asleep but he found dreams first. They were more peaceful than they’d been in some time and both Nasir’s smile and body followed him there.

He only woke early in the morning, when Nasir moved his leg back from in between Castus’s and unwound his arm from Castus’s side. He took Castus’s arm and lay on his side, away from Nasir. Castus didn’t open his eyes when Nasir eased away, dressed himself, and left.

He had been under no illusion that this would last. None save his own misplaced hope.

 

Nasir was still washing when Castus joined him at the river. He hesitated for a moment, unsure if he should interrupt. Then he decided that it was cold enough that he needed to get this over with rather than stand there in silence, fighting the chill and memories.

In any case, the pause he took didn’t matter as Nasir looked over his shoulder at him.

“Castus,” he said, more distant than ever and almost as cold as the air.

“Nasir.” Castus stripped his tunic off and went to cleanse himself.

The glances Nasir kept giving him did not escape his notice.

“You hold regret?” Castus asked though it was only half posed as a question.

“It is difficult,” Nasir began. He stepped out of the river as he spoke. “To know a heart that no longer beats.”

“It may yet find rhythm.”

“It may yet,” Nasir echoed quietly before clothing himself.

But, while Castus expected it, he did not leave. Instead he lingered until Castus had washed himself and dried. He was quiet when they returned to the village. Castus did not press. He certainly did not speak any more about what had happened.

He didn’t even that night when Nasir stretched him out on his pallet and climbed on top of him. Whatever rhythm he found was inside his own body and astride Castus, enjoying the hands that came over him. When Castus felt Nasir’s chest he felt the heart within pound with such force it might splinter. Yet he knew it already had. The thought was momentary. Nasir provided too good a distraction. As did Castus.

 

After several weeks, the nights of appeasement wore on Castus. Nasir’s desires were not infrequent and for too many mornings he left without breaking one word. That had stopped recently. Nasir lingered. He kissed Castus, knowing he was awake, before moving away. He whispered “gratitude.” But nothing was different when they stepped outside.

Castus loved him. He had long since moved past simple lust or admiration, clinging to the one man who showed him kindness. This was a different sort of passion and one that would consume him whole if he let it. It also drove him mad.

As it did one fall night, closer to winter, when they were both left shivering. They shared a meal with Laeta and Sibyl, some of their harvest along with a sparing portion of meat. Castus finished first and sat, talking to them all. Nasir, seeing he was done, moved beside him, and then in front of him. Not letting his surprise take him, Castus spread his legs to allow Nasir to move closer and to cradle him. He thought he knew the meaning of it when Nasir pressed his body against his.

“Here?” he asked with no small amount of confusion. Nasir had never been one to publicly act on desires, not even with Agron. But there was no mistaking--

Nasir touched his cheek and leaned back to kiss his throat. “No.” He rested his head beneath Castus’s head, against his throat.

He watched Laeta and Sibyl for any sign of surprise. They showed none. But Castus’s remained with him as they readied themselves for bed. And beneath that feeling was frustration, one that had built over the past two weeks.

“What is it you desire from me?” he asked finally, before either of them lay on the pallet.

Nasir looked at him. Another man might have dodged or asked for clarification. But Nasir, though he had changed, marked by loss, considered it. He took the question into his mind.

Then, seeing Nasir’s slowness to answer, taking it for uncertainty, Castus came close to snapping the following words. “Do you not know?”

“I cannot seek your heart when I have little of mine to give,” Nasir answered finally. “Yet I desire more than body.”

“Yet you have it,” Castus told him firmly. Nasir knew that. He knew no matter what he said and Castus would not believe any desire. “You do not accept it.”

Nasir bowed his head. He could not meet Castus’s eyes and he took that for a confirmation. At least until Nasir spoke.

“I do.”

Castus walked toward him and Nasir didn’t back away. He didn’t flinch when Castus touched his chin to raise it and plant a gentle, even chaste kiss on his mouth.

“I know you will always hold him to heart.”

Nasir nodded and took a deep breath before kissing Castus again. “You may hold what remains,” he said once he pulled away.

“That is all I have asked for and all I desire.” Castus stroked Nasir’s cheek, moving back along his jaw to run his fingers through his hair.

Nasir did not have Castus take him that night. He kissed, not with desperation but softness. And Castus touched not with longing but with a love he could finally show. He held Nasir close to him. In the morning, Nasir was still there.

Castus didn’t see him smile but he felt it against his skin. On his lips was a smile to echo it. It might not last. Nasir might regret this in time, might feel the loss of Agron too keenly again to continue. But for now he needed it. They both needed it.

And now, curled together, they had it.


End file.
